Meet LaZonya Burns, the food critic whose taste buds are insured for more than your car. She’s got a palate so refined, that she can tell the difference between sea salt and table salt from across the room—and she’s not afraid to call out the soggy bottom of a pie like it personally offended her. LaZonya’s culinary reviews are legendary for their wit, honesty, and the occasional dramatic reenactment of a meal gone wrong. If your restaurant gets five forks from LaZonya, you’d better frame that review—because she doesn’t hand them out unless the food brings her to tears of joy, not indigestion. And they are definitely one person, not two.